fearful

I owe a lot to the internet.  Although I've always been artistic, and always been interested in photography, it was really through the wonder of the internet that I have learned what I know.  It has been a tremendous blessing to me because I've been able to use it to learn as I could, as I was able, as time allowed, being the mother of two young children.

And yet.

The more I have learned... the more time I have spent in the online forum photography world... on the internet that has been the artistic blessing.....

        the more hesitant I become.
              The more timid.
                     The more reserved.
                               The more stifled.

                                                     I am afraid.  I want to hide.

I see it frequently.  They post the links to poke fun.  Careful not to post it so that the link can be followed/traced.  Someone who is just starting out.  Who doesn't know any better.  They post so they can have a great laugh at someone else's expense.   Completely out of focus images.  Or the focus on the completely wrong part.  Horrific processing.  Atrocious skin tones.  Neon colors.  Weird props.  Unflattering angles.  The images aren't great.  Most of the time they are downright awful, truth be told, to my eye.  (But who am I to call myself an expert?)  But the comments some of the women make... they are just cruel.  Pure cruelty.  Sure, the object of the making fun will likely never know about it.  But still, how cruel.  It hurts my heart.

WHY?  Why must it be so?  Why must we women be so utterly cruel to one another?  Why do we feel insulting others, even behind their backs, even online behind their backs, is okay?

There have even been a site or two pop up recently wholly devoted to showing the awfulness of some starting out photographers.

But in truth, I am not innocent either.  I have linked an image or two to a trusted friend, wondering what on earth that person was thinking.  I am guilty with them.

I am just as frustrated as the mockers.  I am frustrated how I work to better myself as an artist.  I post here on my blog, taking pains to write careful and interesting words along with beautiful imagery.  I post on my Images facebook when I have something official to post.  And my feedback is next to none, usually only my good friend photographers.  While these amateur photographers being linked have 20, 30, 40 comments on their photos and albums on facebook about how awesome they are.  I wish I didn't crave feedback like I do.  But I do.  I'm a "words of affirmation" gal.  It fuels me and fills my emotional tank.

I totally relate to the mockers, who are frustrated with the cheaper than cheap prices of these photographers.  Over saturating the market.  Devaluing the art that they have worked and sacrificed for.  Why go to photographer A and pay a significant investment when kinda-photographer B  charges $50 for a session, disc, and 15 locations?  Or, the people who no longer think they need custom photography because they or a family member "has a nice camera now."  I totally see both sides of that coin.  We all have to start somewhere,  though, right?  I'm stuck somewhere horribly torn in the middle.

But the more I've been seeing these "whoa check this awfulness out" posts... the more scared I've become.  What if someone links ME?  What if someone makes fun of ME?

To say I would be crushed would be quite the understatement.  I wish I could say I was tough.  I wish I could say my skin is thick.  I wish I could I say I wouldn't care.  I can't.  Those things couldn't be further from the truth.  And those things are part of what makes me ME.  I don't know that I want to be a hard edged, striving, don't give a damn girl.  Perhaps I don't wish those things I just said, at all.  I want to be a kind, nurturing, soft place to rest kind of girl.

I have struggled immensely with figuring out who I am as an artist.  You see these posts all the time by people of all skill levels.  You can read these words a billion times about being your own artist.  It's just something you have to figure out for yourself.  I have finally figured out I'm not portraity.  I didn't realize I was trying to be, but I was. I was trying to "fit in" with the portraity artists...  Constantly committing that ominous sin of comparison, eating away at the core of my creativity.  I haven't found a nice niche of lifestyle friends to 'hang out with'.  I guess I haven't looked in the right places.  But in figuring out that I'm lifestyle -- that I tell STORIES with my artistry and gifts -- I have become scared.

Paralyzed almost.

Seeing some images referred to as glorified snapshots, or snapshotty, shook me.  Shook me hard.  They weren't even mine.  But it sent a shock wave of fear rattling down to my core.  Do others laugh at ME behind my back?  Do other indulge me to my face, but send little private messages laughing about my ideas?  My style?  My idea of art?  What makes my heart sing?  Is what I'm doing really just high quality snap shots?

I wish I could be wholly comfortable in who I am.  I am trying hard to be.  I am seeking God's peace about my skills, abilities and talents that He's given me.  I'm seeking His guidance in what direction to take all of this.  I am trying to rest in what He has given me.

You may not think that what I do is "art".  You may think that I'm just a MWAC (mom with a camera).  I suppose I am.  You may not get what I'm after.   But that is ME.  I'm not shoving it in your face.  So please don't seek me out to make fun of me.

When I look back over the years of my work, I see something in the images I took before I knew anything "official".  The internet has helped me improve "technically" in a dramatic way.  I know my camera, upside down and backwards.  It is the tool of my artistry and I am its master.  But my unintentional cornering of myself, trying to be like them, rather than trying to be me, removed the creativity from my work.  I miss that when I look at my old images.  I see things I could have done better technically with them, but I miss the pure, raw, emotion I put into those.

I hate that I've wasted time, in some ways, by trying to be something I'm not.  But I'm glad I've realized it and am just going to embrace the fact that I tell stories with my images.  My images work together in series.  I am going to try to revert back to the creativity mind I had before I knew how to shoot manual.  That's my new goal.  I am going to shoot the images that make my heart stutter.

And I'm going to sit with my fingers in my mouth, chewing off my cuticles, wondering if someone is choosing me as the object of their laughs for the day.  I hate that.  I hate that the vehicle through which I can share my creations is also the vehicle in which my spirit can be crushed.

I truly wish we could all be encouraging to one another, and just mind our own business.  Alas.

day 14 - joy of love - wedding band

Day 14 for the Joy of Love workshop was their wedding band.

This June will be our ten year marriage anniversary.  We dated for five years before that.  We've been together more than half our lives.  Man, does that really make me FEEL old.

Funny how tastes change over time, though, isn't it?  I still love his ring.  I love the two tones.  I love the hammered finish on the white gold.  But he admitted that if he were to choose today, he'd choose something different.  Guess what?  As much as I love my wedding band and my engagement ring?  If I were to choose today, I'd choose something different, too.

I'm not really very sentimental about objects, though.  Drives me sister crazy.

day 13 - joy of love - routines

Day 13 for the Joy of Love workshop was routines.  Capturing the routines of our family.

I've got to admit... this was the FIRST thing to pop into my mind.  Our daily battle of WHO GETS TO SIT IN THE WHITE CHAIR.  It's so consistently part of our day that it is most certainly classified a routine.

Oh my word.  Never in a million years would I have ever imagined we'd be fighting this battle.  And yet, there it is.  Shawn's mom gave us the brown chair to use while I was pregnant with Cora.  We didn't have a chair for the island at that point.  About a year ago, I bought the white chair at IKEA.  I love it.  I have wanted to buy another one for forever.... but it is hard to justify spending $70 on a chair just because it is white, when there is a perfectly functional brown chair already there.  And so... we have a brown chair and a white chair at the island.

Suddenly, though, Nathan became obsessed with getting to sit in the white chair at meals.  He likes it better for some unidentifiable reason.  And so, because Nathan wanted it, that meant Cora then wanted it.  She has no idea why, she just does.  Enter BATTLE.

Finally I was at my wits end.  this is utterly RIDICULOUS.  I am soooooo over this fight for the white chair.  So I went to my ribbon box and pulled out two scraps.  Pink for Cora, Orange for Nathan.  Every day I change the ribbons.  We alternate.  Today it is his turn for the white chair.  Tomorrow it will be yours.

I took this opportunity to teach them the word: alternate.

Teachable moment.  : )  So, part of our routine is switching the ribbons each morning, and discussing whose turn it is to sit in the white chair.  If you want to whine about it not being your turn today, you may sit in the floor.  : )

Can you see Cora's despair because she isn't sitting in the white chair?  Can you see Nathan's gloating?

day 12 - joy of love - the eyes

Day 12 for the Joy of Love was their eyes.

Oh how I adore their eyes.  Did you know that green-gray and brown make Blue??? beautiful beautiful deep blue?  Well, they do!

Frequently people comment on my children's eyes.  In certain light, their eyes literally seem to pop.  It is a personal challenge to try to capture their EYES, because neither one of them wants to look me in the camera-eye any more.  I've had to resort to bribing Nathan of sorts... and I still haven't come up with an image I want to hang on my wall of him lately...  He is very into making crazy faces for the camera at the moment.  But this day, he did okay.  And I got some of my favorite images of Cora I've ever shot.

I still can't believe that my children have these blue eyes with eye lashes to die for.

day 10 - joy of love - where they are comfortable

Day 10 for the Joy of Love mini class was Where They Are Comfortable.  Easy!  The playroom!

We are so very fortunate the have a home with the space to dedicate an entire room to be their playroom. And it's big.  Plenty of room for plenty of toys and space to play.  This room has morphed and changed over the last four years.  It's amazing for me to think about all the different iterations of it.  But here it is today.  I always wanted a room I could do in bright, bold colors.  Just FUN.  That's this room.  With our awesome color block rug, the stripes of foam floor, bright yellow walls, funky purple most comfy couch in the world, and huge wall of windows to let in plenty of beautiful light.

Little Kid Utopia.

I hope that one day they realize what they had.  They have no idea that every kid and every family doesn't have a playroom, let alone a rockin' awesome one like theirs.  They don't understand that every kid doesn't have everything you'd want to do at their disposal.  I wrestle with this, honestly.  I want them to have these things and get to do these things.... these things I know I didn't have... some things that I did.  I want them to have these warm and wonderful blessings and memories... but they are growing up sheltered in such a way that has made them spoiled, self centered, and materialistic.  We don't like that.  And we are trying hard to find the balance between giving them a rich and varied upbringing, while instilling in them a true joy and appreciation for these things we have.  True blessings from God that we don't deserve.  And that not everyone has.

day 09 - joy of love - passions and hobbies

Day 09. Passions and hobbies. It is to you I owe the fact that I got off track and allowed myself to get behind. Very behind.

I am nothing if not predictable. : )

Miss one day and it all falls apart.  I need structure and routine like a dog needs a companion.  Shew.   But that's me.  Take it or leave it.

I knew immediately what I wanted to capture here.  Shawn's passion AND hobby of exercise and health.  Shawn loves to run (which I have NEVER understood, not even a little bit) and he loves to lift weights.  He does not relate to the rest of the world that doesn't enjoy it.  He does not relate to the rest of the world that allows their bodies to age and develop belly pudge and just plain doesn't wanna go exercise.  I've got to admit, I am a tad jealous.  I wish I enjoyed it like he did.  I do think it is important.  But I don't want to do it.  I hate doing it.  I am so BORED doing it.  My hands have nothing to do!!!  I realized this recently actually.  After about 15 minutes, my hands get antsy.  It's not that my body is too tired.  It's not that I can't do it.  But I need to be DOING something, and something functional with  my HANDS... It's total forcing of my will to keep going.  So I envy his ability to enjoy it.

Anyway.  My new friend Kate inspired these photos.  She took similar ones of her husband and shared with me how she set it up.  I was on the quest... but I had to wait until Shawn was ready to attempt it, when the stars aligned... when the kids were in bed and no one had any evening meetings and, and, and.... sometimes life just gets in the way!  My friend Traci also helped me brainstorm the best way to set all this up.  This is soooooo totally not me.  So totally out of the box.  But it was FUN to try something new, challenge myself to have to think so differently and really, really, really pay attention to the light.  Getting every bit of oomph out of my rockin' little D90, asking it to push his little capabilities.

I did this with regular old ceiling light from a different room.  I don't own studio lights.  I don't want to own studio lights.  I just wanted to play and see what I could do with what was available to me.  I like the results.